I'm an artist, kind of.

Art in any form has always been a hobby of mine. In elementary school I learned how to knit and crochet. In middle school I began to draw and scrapbook. In high school I focused mainly on drawing and writing. Now in college I've begun to learn digital painting. And throughout my entire life I've always been a very musical person. I can play three instruments (Piano, which I am very good at, violin, which I am terrible at, and guitar, which I am currently learning), and I love to sing. Art has always been a part of my life, and often I am creating it. And yet, I have always hesitated to label myself an artist.

I'm not sure why. After all, the definition of "artist" is "a person who practices any of various creative arts", and I certainly fit the bill. But maybe the problem isn't me, but what I create. I think I just don't have a high enough opinion of my work to call it "art", and therefore by extension, I am a not an artist.

I'm not sure why I think this way either. It's not like I don't have pride in my work, because I definitely do. I know I'm better at drawing than the average Joe. I believe that I have creative and unique ideas. But a lot of the time, when people ask to see my drawings, I hesitate. Half of me wants to show them, to be able to brag, but the other half doesn't want me to show them, because I don't think they're good enough.

Maybe this mentality comes about from spending too much time on DeviantART. The problem with art community websites like DeviantART is that they can be real confidence crushers. Too often I'll draw something I think is really great, post it on DeviantART, then see somebody else's work, look at mine, and think, "Oh. My drawing isn't that great after all."

Of course, most of my friends or people who ask about my art don't spend time on DeviantART, and if I show them my drawings they'll automatically give praise because to them it is good. But to me, I know I'm just mediocre, and I don't want to show people my stuff if I don't don't 110% believe that it is amazing.

Another source of my frustration with art is the disparity between vision and skill. As aforementioned, I believe that I have good ideas, creative ideas that would be beautiful. But I don't have the skills to execute my ideas exactly the way I want. This is one of my hardest struggles with learning digital painting. I consider myself pretty accomplished at drawing with pencil and paper, so I can draw linearts exactly how I want. But once I start coloring in photoshop, my picture looks like it was colored by a fifth grader because I'm still learning, and part of learning is sucking in the beginning. I understand that, but I hate it too.

That's why I can't call myself an artist. Insecurity and an inferiority complex. I wrote this post because I wanted to start posting some of my "art" on this blog, so you could view this post as a sort of disclaimer...at times, I honestly think my drawings aren't that great, for the reasons above. But I still have some pride in my work. I'll put a few of my most recent drawings below. What do you think?